Control Anger.. How to Control Anger

Anger can be very destructive to yourself and others. Not only can it harm you on the outside, but in your inside as well. Anger is a feeling, or more of a destructive emotion that can, will, or might take over you without your consent or permission. The following material discusses various types of anger and how to control it.

And how to do this...

1. Understand the reasons for your anger and understand its causes:
* Examine thoughts, as the memories of the causes and reasons for the anger to arise. Limit this examination to one source and cause at a time, and isolate it from the numerous other things that may make one angry.

2. Determine whether specific anger is legitimate, or from expectation

3. LEGITIMATE ANGER: One is certainly genuinely entitled to anger at those who do one harm, cheat, lie, steal from one, or violate one in some way. One may be legitimately angry at circumstance such as the situation of an orphan, incest, rape, deceit and innumerable other injustices. And so the anger is justified and it is there, and it is quite natural. This justified anger may be amplified by frustration, where one cannot do anything to rectify the cause, either because it is in the past and done, or because the cause cannot or will not be changed. Dwelling on #this anger often causes extreme emotional states, adrenaline rush, the racing of thoughts and the exaggeration of other slights related or not.
* Deal with Legitimate Anger: It comes down to - one wants justice. Anger may be readily justified by difficult circumstances and people. One would expect not to get robbed and when one does one is entitled to get and be angry. However the anger and bitterness only compounds the original injustice extending it into perpetuity. One allows the perpetrator the control of one's feelings endlessly, not only in the past but in the present as well.
* Realize anger becomes an identity. 'I am angry person, hear me roar'. This entitles one to special privileges and compensations. It gives one power. Attempt to discover the entitlements one's anger has provided one, and that one becomes dependent. One may derive emotional energy and motivation from anger, to power trip and just to get one's own way. Perhaps a better way to channel this type of anger is to get mad at things that don't affect one exactly personally, like the news. Channel anger into creative motivation like art, writing, manual labor or sports.
* Realize that depression, even that diagnosed by a professional, can at root be caused by anger, and the frustration arising when it cannot or is not rectified, and there is no justice. Because anger in most cases must be suppressed, so as to not cause harm to oneself and others, or its source has caused humiliation and shame, and because one seethes with it when not released, and one pushes it into the unconscious, its unresolved festering can cause depression.
* Understand that unresolved anger is often directed unfairly at others by stereotype, as either individual persons, groups or organizations. Unable or unwilling to confront the source of one's anger, one may create a general category resembling the character of the source and attack those of that type to get justice. It is unfair to guiltless parties.
* Determine fault by an honest assessment, mostly to determine whether one has misplaced blame on oneself. Do not take blame for others misconduct. If one has some culpability take responsibility for it, wherein it helps to admit and cross check with others. Refuse to take any responsibility where one is not at fault. This means there is no guilt. However if one has culpability one may have diverted the anger from the self to another party. One might find that they may have exaggerated the source incident out of proportion. Until one accepts responsibility there will be no resolution, but only endless recrimination.
* Attempt to discover one's true feelings toward the source of one's anger and of oneself in relation to it. One may feel they cannot put the blame on someone they love, or admit hate especially if one does not believe they hate, or cannot love one they think they hate, or cannot hate one they think they love.
* Separate out conflicts of interest, such as emotions in conflict with ambitions and desires, such like confrontation with an anger source that controls inheritance or livelihood. One may have to choose between material benefit and self-well being.
* Purge the anger. This is a necessity and can be done in a variety of ways. Confront the perpetrator. Do not get revenge even if you think the perpetrator truly deserves it. Revenge is a destructive cycle that ends up harming you as much as it harms them. Just confess it calmly to oneself and to others. Write it out. Once one has made it conscious, the next step is to say it aloud to others, as the case with 'whatever' Anonymous. This can be a professional, a group, friends or complete strangers.
* Accept it. What is done is done. Move along nothing to see here. Get over what is only a negative force in one's life.
* Forgive and realize that under different life circumstances you might have been capable of doing the same thing.

4. EXPECTATION ANGER: means one creates expectations of one's own choosing, or adopts them from family, friends or the culture in general. Anger may arise when actual experience or present thinking does not conform to expectation, and where that expectation is important and has consequence. Expectation is standards, rules, laws, tradition, custom, the way one expects others and reality and general to be. When reality does not meet expectations, one may get angry. This anger problem can be dealt with by changing one's expectations.
* Do not expect others to share the same standards, values, and expectations as oneself. Maybe the most common expectation is expecting others to conform to one's own standards. Don't assume others who make one angry are doing it intentionally. They may simply have different standards. In some cities in the world everyone beeps their horn when the light changes to green. One may get angry because someone's faux pas is interpreted as willful disrespect, arrogance or animosity, when actually the true problem may be they are simply unaware of what one's standards are. Confront the perpetrator in some way to let them know that they are making one angry. Of course caution must be considered in the event of the possibility of violence.
* High expectations for other people when unrealized, may tend to cause anger. Anger may be created by imposing expectations and by having them imposed on one. Attempt to understand the motivations for one's high expectations. One may discover they have more to do with one's own flaws of character. Recognize that imposing one's own standards on others is fascist. Let them have their own life. When there is conflict: discuss it, argue it out, compromise or separate. One may not like it when others do it to one, but to then do it to others, can only be for the reason of some higher authority. One may have to learn to avoid these kind of people.
* When something makes one angry express and let it out immediately in some calm and intelligent way and do not suppress it. Make understandings with others concerning one's annoyances. One should expect that compromise might be necessary. In relationships, expectations should be known and agreed upon by all parties. Expectations for children or anyone for that matter should be relative to their capacities and equally explained.
* You can change your expectations: Anger can be dealt with by changing one's expectations. One may change, as raise or lower one's expectations for circumstances and other people. It is useless to expect a dog to adopt religion, and the failure can only cause disappointment and anger. People who are wedded to strict, standards and absolutes are subject to anger when others do not conform. Apply standards to oneself and not necessarily others. Separate the responsibility for one's own standards from others.
* Always discuss with others what it is they do that causes one's anger and attempt a resolution or compromise. Relationships may have to be ended if no resolution can be reached, when the anger is destructive to all members involved. The break may be a better option than the continuous friction and perhaps violence and humiliation of all.

5. CIRCUMSTANTIAL ANGER: Anger at circumstance can be difficult to solve since it is often difficult to change, like children who don't like their family for instance. Learn to accept reality as it naturally is. Avoid circumstance that causes anger whenever possible, like avoiding certain people, situations and relationships. Learn one's own capacities and do not get angry at one's inability to live up to things that are not realistic for one's own abilities. Many times these things may become possible as one gets older, or they may simply be impossible. Personally not planning on ever becoming a millionaire. Not fair is it? It may help to accept the world the way one finds it and not create anger by having unrealistic expectations.

Some Useful Tips:

* If the above fails, seek therapy or anger management groups. Or with the net one can go on line, and find dozens, hundreds, perhaps thousands with a same or similar problem. One can join chat groups.
* One can mitigate one's anger by transference. Transfer one's anger to inanimate objects like a punching bag. Examples of such may found at the following Release-Anger.
* If at any time you are thinking about doing something that would hurt yourself or other people, get help immediately.
* If you feel anger taking over, remove yourself from the situation before things become too heated.
* Recognize that sometimes anger is justified, and may need to come out. However, realize that there are productive ways to do it instead of lashing out at others.
* Ask yourself if the future recipient of your furor deserves to be blown up at, or if you are just using them as a punching bag to release steam about another person/issue that bothers you.
* Sometimes, instead of talking to someone directly, it is more appropriate to write a letter.
* Taking yoga can be a long-term solution to anger problems, allowing you to focus on your feelings and release your stress.
* If at all possible, remove yourself from the situation. It's amazing the difference 8-hours of sleep or a 5-minute walk can make. Time gives you distance from the issue, allowing you to put things into perspective.
* Find a creative outlet, such as writing, drawing etc. where you can expend your energy. Hobbies help elevate your mood and allow you to channel energy that you'd usually spent dwelling on issues that you aren't able to resolve. Imagine what you could do with the energy you expend in anger if you channeled it into something else.
* There is a difference between controlling anger and holding it in until later. If you are unable to avoid feelings of anger, try to release your bottled up feelings later in positive forms like art, exercise, or some other hobby.
* Try thinking of stuff that you are thankful for. The more specific, the better. You can't be truly angry and thankful at the same time.
* Meditation is a useful way to release stress and/or anxiety, which are often prerequisites to anger. Do not meditate when you are angry, as this could have a negative effect on your anger. Instead, meditate when you have calmed down and are in complete control of your thoughts and emotions.
* Remember, we are all human and tend to get angry at someone or something. You can tell someone how you feel and see if they can help you.
* Try writing down all the things that happened today (try at least a whole front and back of a page, or more) and how you feel about yourself and other people.
* Try to go in an empty room and count to 10.


Beware:
* You may need to see a professional on mental health if problems still exist.
* If you feel like you lose control when you're angry, seek psychological help.
* Anger is never, ever an excuse to strike out at or abuse (physically or verbally) the people around you.
* Find something that releases your anger (nothing violent or harmful) this could be as simple as throwing a few punches at your punching bag in the basement
* Do not hurt a person or animal. In fact, stay away from them when you are angry.
* Don't abuse yourself (e.g: cutting, substance abuse) This won't make you feel better and will only hurt you more.

Gain Control of Emotions

Controlling emotions means to identify them and even act of them when ou think they are appropriate.
Here are a few steps for you:

Know your emotions. There are a million different ways you can feel, but scientists have classified human emotions into a few basics that everyone can recognize: joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipation. Jealousy, for example, is a manifestation of anger - anger that you're not "as good" as something else, fear of being abandoned because you're not "perfect" or "the best".

Observe your emotions. Many times, we're at the mercy of our emotions on a subconscious level. By recognizing your emotions on a conscious level, you're better able to control them. The last thing you want to do is ignore or repress your feelings, because if you're reading this, you probably know that when you do that, they tend to get worse and erupt later. Ask yourself throughout the day: "How am I feeling right now?"

Consider your options. Once you recognize an emotion, think of at least two different ways you can respond. Your emotions control you when you assume there's only one way to react. You always have a choice. For example, if someone insults you, and you experience anger, your immediate response might be to insult them back. But no matter what the emotion, there are always at least two alternatives:

• Don't react. Do nothing. If you do this, however, it's important to continue acknowledging the emotion. Just because you're not reacting to an emotion doesn't mean that emotion doesn't exist. If you choose not to respond, it should be for a reason (as discussed in the next step) not because of a competing emotion (fear of confrontation).

• Do the opposite of what you would normally do. The "turn the other cheek" philosophy would fall under this category.

Make a choice. Now that you've got several options, act on:

• Principles - Who do you want to be? What are your moral principles? What do you want the outcome of this situation to be? Ultimately, which is the decision you'd be most proud of? This is where religious guidance comes into play for many people.

• Logic - Which course of action is the most likely to result in the outcome you desire? For example, if you're being confronted with a street fight, and you want to take the pacifist route, you can walk away--but, there's a good chance that burly drunk will be insulted if you turn your back. Maybe it's better to apologize and keep him talking until he calms down.

Change your perspective. The above steps show how to not let your emotions control your behavior, but not how to change the emotions themselves. If you want to nip your emotions in the bud, change the way you see the world. If you learn how to be optimistic and laid back, you'll find that negative emotions make fewer appearances to be reckoned with.

Moreover...

• Learn to recognize and anticipate "triggers" that set you off.
• If you wish to live with a more "uplifting" attitude, a good idea is to stay away from tv or music that has a negative style to it (e.g really depressing songs), it's proven that being around a lot of music or movies that have a negative view on the world can actually change the chemical balances in your brain that can even change the way you see things or the way you act in a negative way.
• Watch for "all or nothing" thinking. Most of life is a gradient or gray scale, rather than a set of absolutes or extremes. Many situations and events may seem as if they are black/white, good/bad, yes/no; but reacting as if they are can easily lead to irrational and unhelpful attitudes, emotions, and behaviors.
• Some experiences like watching a film, hearing a sound or tasting a food (sensory input) can trigger or bring about good emotions. The more good ones you can recognize, pay attention to and be aware of, the easier it is to put your self in that kind of a recognizable mood. It's far easier to get out of an angry or sad state of mind when you can know what happy or joyful state of mind is like.

Beware:

It is important to control your emotions, but suppressing them is something different entirely. Suppressing your emotions can cause psychological disorders and depression.